I am one of those people who will talk about death, while my husband is the total opposite.
Long time ago when I finally learn to write my own name while wearing those school uniform, my father made sure to teach me about consequences. Exam is the consequences of going to school and win or lose is the consequences of joining the competition,
Because of that, I never felt scare of quiz and exam. Never breakdown because I lose some competition. After all, life is just a series of consequences after consequences.
Growing up, during my teenager year my father taught me that death is just the consequences of living. Whenever I am home, we will talk about death like he is an old friend who will join us at the end of our journey.
The point of understanding that every action leads to consequences then to another action and consequences, for me is to make sure that I live the life that I would enjoy. So when death comes knocking on my door, I will greet him with a smile knowing I am content with my journey and I am ready to rest.
This become a habit of mine. Whenever I plan to do something, I will think of its consequences. And pretty sure I’ll make a plan on how to face it. I’ll choose the worst possible consequences and think about how to avoid it and how should I face it, if it ever happened.
When I decided to marry my loving boyfriend, I think about how we will face our problem. Because pretty sure there is no life without a problem. So I listed all the things that could ruin us.
When we got our daughter, I think about how to raise her and how to prepare her so she could living her life well.
But I miscalculated.
Raising a child is a lot of work. I knew that and I am prepared for it. But I never think that by focusing all of my time for our daughter I will lose myself.
I am one of those people who will celebrate the new year by writing my resolution. I am one of those people who will make a reading book list before the clock change to 00:00. I used to join any silly challenge in social media. But, I am not that person anymore.
October 2021 came, when I realized that I don’t recognize myself. I complain, all the time. I am being miserable. I pour all of my love to my husband and daughter that I dont have enough for me.
Looking back, December 4 years ago, was one of the happiest time of my life.
However this December, bring the most heart wrenching moment in my life. it hurts so bad that I want to go to the highest point on the earth so maybe I could be closer to ask God, “How could this happen to me?” I want to go to the deepest location on earth, so maybe I could be closer to mother earth and able to find my peace. I dont want to be me. I dont want to go through this pain.
Yesterday, I made a promise to myself. I will love her more so that I could properly love my husband and daughter.
So, Hi 2021, it wasn’t nice knowing you but maybe it was necessary. I am more than ready to say goodbye and I hope we never meet again.
Icino 